fears that i have
Saturday, December 17th, 2022 02:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cursedcalendar tw for talks of dementia and death. sorry if this one is a little serious
I don't think if I've ever talked about any of this before so I'll take the chance to talk about it here
Two of my biggest fears include forgetting and being forgotten.
They aren't my biggest fears (that spot goes to my very unusual fear of bees.) but they're definitely up there.
I would rather die in any other way than to die of dementia. The idea of me slowly dying while of all of my fond memories leak out of my head like a sink that somebody forgot to fully turn off terrifies me.
In one of my ADHD-fueled procrastination trips, I watched a video on dementia. While watching I learned of a test simply known as the clock test. In this test, the dementia patient is instructed to draw a clock, with the hands pointing to a specific time (in all the footage I've seen, the time as been 11:10.) Seeing the results of these tests in the later stages of dementia is....actually, I can't really find the words to describe it. Mind-boggling? Scary? Like a car crash you can't look away from? Kinda like that.
The really weird thing is, the fear doesn't drive me away from learning more about it? Like, I find Everywhere at the End of Time very interesting. I'll probably never listen to the whole thing because I don't have 6 hours on my hands, but it's interesting.
(I also find Heartaches by Al Bowly to be a very beautiful song on its own.)
My fear of being forgotten is kinda similar. It'll hopefully be a while before I pass on. But when I do, I want to be remembered as something. As an artist. As a photographer. As a sister. As a friend. As a weirdo who posts gibberish like "is godzilla forklift certified" on her Twitter account and makes weirdcore in her spare time. Something.
Call it selfishness, but I don't want to be forgotten.
I'd say that's about it for this post. Thank you for listening to me ramble. I love you all <3
I don't think if I've ever talked about any of this before so I'll take the chance to talk about it here
Two of my biggest fears include forgetting and being forgotten.
They aren't my biggest fears (that spot goes to my very unusual fear of bees.) but they're definitely up there.
I would rather die in any other way than to die of dementia. The idea of me slowly dying while of all of my fond memories leak out of my head like a sink that somebody forgot to fully turn off terrifies me.
In one of my ADHD-fueled procrastination trips, I watched a video on dementia. While watching I learned of a test simply known as the clock test. In this test, the dementia patient is instructed to draw a clock, with the hands pointing to a specific time (in all the footage I've seen, the time as been 11:10.) Seeing the results of these tests in the later stages of dementia is....actually, I can't really find the words to describe it. Mind-boggling? Scary? Like a car crash you can't look away from? Kinda like that.
The really weird thing is, the fear doesn't drive me away from learning more about it? Like, I find Everywhere at the End of Time very interesting. I'll probably never listen to the whole thing because I don't have 6 hours on my hands, but it's interesting.
(I also find Heartaches by Al Bowly to be a very beautiful song on its own.)
My fear of being forgotten is kinda similar. It'll hopefully be a while before I pass on. But when I do, I want to be remembered as something. As an artist. As a photographer. As a sister. As a friend. As a weirdo who posts gibberish like "is godzilla forklift certified" on her Twitter account and makes weirdcore in her spare time. Something.
Call it selfishness, but I don't want to be forgotten.
I'd say that's about it for this post. Thank you for listening to me ramble. I love you all <3
